| "if only i had an enemy bigger than my apathy, i could have won." | ||||
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"home is wherever i'm with you." - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
i have a habit of wandering, therefore i get lost a lot. | ||||
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tossling titanic. / Saturday, May 31, 2008 @ 10:20 PM
{don't leave me.} he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving.he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving.he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving.he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving.he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. he is leaving. no matter how many times i say it out loud or even in my head it still wont sink in. why can't i be like the titanic? and just hit an ice berg and just sink. i don't want him to leave. it hurts too much... but, does this make me selfish? i mean didn't josh say that it will be okay? oh how overrated that word can be. but he did say that two weeks ago i would not have cared and that two weeks from now i still won't. he better be right. he is my only hope right now, that idiot (josh) and if he isn't right... about me not caring two weeks from now, then i don't know who will be. because he is just a crush. just a crush. i don't like him. it
faithful friend. / Friday, May 30, 2008 @ 9:07 PM
is just a crush. don't leave. just stay, so i won't grieve. because i hate the lies i have to weave just so i can stop all the taunts i receive from liking you and so here i grieve. <3 atoning for all the cries, averytearfuljazz {just the drama of being the queen of it} |do not even like him| a faithful friend of mine who goes by the name of [josh] pointed out that i may not even like him. that i may just be over reacting that it may just be one stupid simple pathetic crush... and i think he is right. i don't like him. i mean...it is just a crush. two weeks ago i wouldn't have cared. two weeks from NOW, i won't care at all. josh told me that, and he better be fucking right.
expressing emotions. / Thursday, May 29, 2008 @ 10:09 PM
it is nothing. not even a crush. so what, if he made me blush or cause my cheeks to flush? so shush, about all that nonsense because it is just a crush. <3 atoning for all the cursing, averyhopefuljazz {wish you were here,} i did not see him today. so i missed him. i still do. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i miss him. i better see him tomorrow...i miss him. i just have to. oh gosh, i miss him. oh how you were not here, and everything was not clear. your voice, i did not hear. it is just as i had feared. do you see that smear? <3 atoning for all the missing,
♥no stopping me this time♥ / Wednesday, May 28, 2008 @ 9:44 PM
averydepressedjazz {♥nostoppingmethistime♥} |stupid english homework|
As I suck out that very soul That still lingers in the air With a distasteful smell And scent that leaves Me hungry for More. Taste the tears in your eyes That leaves you in no disguise So stop. And leave me to drop. As your face is fake, It is no mistake. You make me sick And spit with a sneer. I scoff with joy as I watch You slowly bleed I watch with anticipation As I listen to your cries. What I hear is a beautiful melody Of your suffering. Scream for me As I watch. Beg of me As I cut. But just remember, I cannot be stopped. [[ my pathetic attempt to write a revenge fantasy poem,]] -i might not even pass this up... that is if i come up with a better poem by tomorrow- {if you like me,} |please let me know.| if you love me, won't you let me know. if you love me, won't you let me know. if you love me, won't you let me know. please. taken from the song,
perceptive poems. / Tuesday, May 27, 2008 @ 11:04 PM
touch me.Violet Hill by Coldplay' stuff happened today... but i can't find the words to string together to form the sentence that i want. but i can try... so here i go, "jarrah..." and then he paused, "hi," it was simple. it was nice. it was... remarkable. thank you. for making me see, how stupid i was being. stop being stupid right now, but someone will have to show me how. for i feel like i have been shot, and this is all i've got. so just leave me to rot. <3 atoning for all the stupidity, averybaffledjazz like nobody else. feel me.like nothing else grab me.like i'm everything. talk to me.like i am the only one tell methat i am her. speak to me like you love me. whisper to melike we are together. look at melike you need me. everything is getting brighter i feel much lighterlook what have to me. nothing to say in every way just want to get by this day and i might even pray to stop all the fray <3 atoning for all the stares, averylongingjazz {next time you walk pass me,} |say something| >> if you see her, say hello << If you see her, say hello, she might be in Tangier { Bob Dylan } She left here last early spring, is livin' there, I hear Say for me that I'm all right though things get kind of slow She might think that I've forgotten her, don't tell her it isn't so. We had a falling-out, like lovers often will And to think of how she left that night, it still brings me a chill And though our separation, it pierced me to the heart She still lives inside of me, we've never been apart. If you get close to her, kiss her once for me I always have respected her for busting out and gettin' free Oh, whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way Though the bitter taste still lingers on from the night I tried to make her stay. I see a lot of people as I make the rounds And I hear her name here and there as I go from town to town And I've never gotten used to it, I've just learned to turn it off Either I'm too sensitive or else I'm gettin' soft . Sundown, yellow moon, I replay the past I know every scene by heart, they all went by so fast If she's passin' back this way, I'm not that hard to find Tell her she can look me up if she's got the time. it hurts so much to think about you.
desperate desires. / Monday, May 26, 2008 @ 8:50 PM
it hurts so much that i cant even hold back the tears. and the reason why these tears fall, is all because i know i can never be with you. and that is why i can not like you. i just can't.not him just not him. the lyrics above mean a lot to me. i just wish he'd say something to me. anything at all. if you see her, say hello because it will make her smile if you see her, say somethingbecause it will make her speak if you see her, say anythingbecause it will make her think and she may even start liking you. = for those of you who did not figure out who "she" was... you are amazingly blur. = when all we do is stare, i wish i can prepare. for the things that i dare that will always make me care so please don't glare. <3 atoning for all the stares, averylongingjazz {"all women are prostitutes" he says}
ingenious infamies. / Sunday, May 25, 2008 @ 8:29 PM
|what does that make men, then?| whores and sluts. the difference? whores do it for money. for cash. for glamour. for something in return. but sluts do it because they want to not because they need to, because they enjoy it. which is worse? it really is your decision. i was talking to my father the other day. it was a casual thing. and we happened to be talking about, [guess what?] whores and sluts. he thinks that all women are prostitutes. [please do not take any offense, he is just an old man voicing out his opinion. and i am female, will soon become a woman. so i should be offended, but i was not. however, that does not mean i fully agree with him.] before you complain and whine about how stupid that comment is, just listen to his explanation. and it is his opinion. his view. and although he may be biased because of what he has experienced, he believes it. now the definition of a prostitute (according to wiktionary) is : prostitute (plural prostitutes)
A person who performs sexual activity for payment and just for now, forget the rest. by this, my dad interpreted it. he has always been telling me about how he thinks that all women are prostitutes. he has offered to explain, but i would always turn him down and simply roll my eyes in disdain. however, today it was different, and when i actually asked my dad to carry on, there was no mistaking the shock that gathered in his very eyes. oh he elaborated, in a very expressive and booming voice. he told me that by payment, it does not always mean money. the gifts men buy can count as payment. and when a man provides you a house, lots of money, a job or anything at all and all you do is have sex with him... doesn't that make you a prostitute? my father, in my opinion, is not right. but nor is he completely wrong. his views may seem totally messed up, but he has a point. you can see where he is trying to go. but it is his view, i don't think he really means it. but he still thought of it. never meant to make you judge him. i bet he did not mean it that way. he might have just said it because of how he was feeling that moment. it may have been a joke. so do not take it personally. so all they do is kiss, and try not to reminisce the certain bliss that they finally miss and now know that exists. <3 atoning for all the offense, averyoffensivejazz {locked up inside} i did not want him to come home,|gave me time to think| |about how stupid life can be| to expect such a long-winded lecture. i did not want him to rescue me, from locking myself inside, to give me such a disheartening speech. i did not want him here. but i was thankful. not any longer though.
my mother. / @ 10:49 AM
for once, can we just pretend that we are normal that we are happy that we actually love each other. for once, can you just act like you love me. for once, can you just say that you care. it would mean a lot to me. here i am locked up inside, it may have been my own fault but no one cried so i shall let my pride slowly and quietly slide and pretend that i had not lied. <3 atoning for all the stares, averyabandonedjazz {ringing around my ears,} |there wasn't even a fucking wedding| she called. how long has it been? she called. why now? she called. who does she think she is? she called. when was she planning to do this? she called. shit. as soon as i picked up the phone,
seasonal sluts. / Friday, May 23, 2008 @ 11:25 PM
she was silent for a few seconds. like as if she was trying to save a memory of me saying "hello," while no one was saying it back. then she said it... in a sad drawl, "jarrah liezel," sometimes i feel like she does that just to rub it in my face that she is my mother and i can do nothing about it. feels like she wants to prove a point, that she was the one who named me. that she was the one who was there when i was born. and my father was no where around. where was he? he did not even know i was born. did not even know i existed. till three years later. three fucking years later. "i love you," "i miss you," well she has one fucked up way of showing it. tick. tock. drip. drop. what is up with all the fakeness? STOP. START. stop hurting me. start caring. let me warn you, i can be a bitch. just. like. you. i'm a bastard. i can deal with that. just stop pretending like you care. because you are not fooling anyone. not even me. i was angry and frustrated. and they knew it. but all the anger ceased. all the frustration disappeared. when he showed up. he can put a smile on my face. that's why i love him. my dearest uncle. the one who loved me the most. but i had to lie. tell them that i was not alone. that i was okay. that my father, loves me. that my father, is right here with me. but no one needs to know the truth right? because the truth hurts. the truth does not need to exist. what they do not know should not hurt. i love them. i know i do. and they love me. i know they do. but i can't. i can't see them. it's the only way. it's better if i forget about them. but one tiny conversation... should not hurt, right? my father does not need to know. he does not need to know. he does not need to know. that i still miss them. because if he finds out, he wouldn't be happy. and no one wants, an unhappy dad. for once in my life, i want my dad to be proud i want him to say "i love you," why is it so easy for them to say it, but so hard for my dad and i to do so. how do i even know that i am talking to the right person. i know what they are capable of. i'm a liar. and aren't liars worst than sluts? thanks a lot. to think that i'm worse than a woman who flaunts herself to no end. to think that i'm worse than a woman who opens her legs for anyone. to think that i am worse, than my mother. hurts like a fucking bitch. liars are worst than sluts. thank you, very much. liar, liar. what do you desire? another lie to put on fire, or shall we go a little bit higher? another liar hanging on the wire. <3 atoning for all the lying, averyuntrustworthyjazz {names are for people but labels don't count} liars are worst than sluts.|you don't even know us| who agrees with that statement? who disagrees with that statement? who does not know what to think of it? who does not even care?
confusingly concerned. / @ 10:56 PM
♥ = what you see, is what you get. but what they hear, is not what is true. and so you search and seek but all they see, is another freak. = a man and his views. oh how they think that sluts are easy. a woman walks in sinking her teeth into your neck. she calls out your name without any hesitation and shame. presses those blushing lips against yours oh, how she feels no utter remorse. she giggles, and nibbles. she is just another woman. another helpless woman. for me to use and abuse emotionally and sexually. just another girl to fall at my precious feet. oh how revenge tastes so sweet. ♥ the slut. he thinks i don't know. i really am not that slow. how dare he even think of it, how dare he tell me such bullshit. so here i am smirking to no end, he tries so hard to eagerly blend but i am not a fool. i can tell but i promise not to yell. because i have a plan to stop the lies that he has span. i'll play along at first and feed him away from his thirst he thinks he can play me out but i have him fooled without a doubt he is such a fun toy just another silly little boy what. a. joy. the liar. she was such a slut. with beauty in every strut, she sways those hips licks her luscious lips. she has mistaken me for a fool oh how i can be so cruel. "come forward my love," i said she giggles and shakes her head, what a tease. she will never cease. she sits next to me with her skirt up high for everyone to see. a slut is what she really is and without her, she won't be terribly missed. i laugh. i scoff. i sneer. and i try so hard to appear sincere. everyone knows that, LIARS are worst than SLUTS. everyone is a liar, but not everyone can be a slut. ♥ it all depends on your opinion. are liars really worst than sluts? are they? which one are you, a slut or a liar? OR, are you BOTH? sluts can lie. but liars can't slut. [at least not all of them] liars. and sluts. liars. and. sluts. why do we label people? hi, i am labeled with a name but it is spelt with shame. a slut is who they blame, it is like their own little game they think we are different but they are all just the same. <3 atoning for all the teasing, averypromiscuousjazz {never liked him. just never did} i may be confused. but i am SURE that i don't like him. i mean... what was i thinking? i can't like him... it's stupid. foolish. and dumb. pathetic even. i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't like him. i don't feel a pang in my heart. i guess i lied to myself right from the start. it has left me all torn apart. i just want you to know that you were never a part of my confused and aching heart. <3 atoning for all the confusion, averydeterminedjazz | ||||
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