let'sescaperealitytogether❤.

as soon as i picked up the phone,
she was silent for a few seconds.
like as if she was trying to save
a memory of me
saying "hello,"
while no one was saying it back.

then she said it...
in a sad drawl,

"jarrah liezel,"

sometimes i feel like she does that
just to rub it in my face
that she is my mother
and i can do nothing about it.

feels like she wants to prove a point,
that she was the one who named me.
that she was the one who was there
when i was born.

and my father was no where around.

where was he?
he did not even know i was born.
did not even know i existed.
till three years later.

three fucking years later.

"i love you,"

"i miss you,"

well she has one fucked up way of showing it.

tick.
tock.
drip.
drop.

what is up with all the fakeness?

STOP.
START.

stop hurting me.
start caring.

let me warn you,
i can be a bitch.

just.

like.

you.

i'm a bastard.
i can deal with that.

just stop pretending
like you care.
because you are not
fooling anyone.
not even me.

i was angry
and frustrated.
and they knew it.

but all the anger ceased.
all the frustration disappeared.
when he showed up.

he can put a smile on my face.
that's why i love him.
my dearest uncle.

the one who loved me the most.

but i had to lie.
tell them that i was not alone.
that i was okay.
that my father,
loves me.
that my father,

is right here

with me.

but no one needs to know the truth right?
because the truth hurts.
the truth
does not need to exist.

what they do not know
should not
hurt.

i love them.
i know i do.
and they love me.
i know they do.

but i can't.
i can't see them.

it's the only way.
it's better if i forget about them.

but one tiny conversation...
should not hurt, right?
my father does not need to know.
he does not need to know.
he does not need to know.

that i still miss them.

because if he finds out,
he wouldn't be happy.

and no one wants,
an unhappy dad.

for once in my life,
i want my dad to be proud
i want him to say

"i love you,"

why is it so easy for them to say it,
but so hard for my dad and i to do so.

how do i even know that i am talking to the right person.
i know what they are capable of.

i'm a liar.

and aren't liars worst than sluts?
thanks a lot.

to think that i'm worse
than a woman who flaunts herself
to no end.
to think that i'm worse
than a woman who opens her legs
for anyone.

to think that i am worse,
than my mother.

hurts like a fucking bitch.

liars are worst than sluts.

thank you, very much.

liar, liar.
what do you desire?
another lie to put on fire,
or shall we go a little bit higher?
another liar hanging on the wire.

<3 atoning for all the lying,
averyuntrustworthyjazz

"if only i had an enemy bigger than my apathy, i could have won."
Profile "home is wherever i'm with you." - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros i have a habit of wandering, therefore i get lost a lot.
my mother. / Sunday, May 25, 2008 @ 10:49 AM {ringing around my ears,} \|there wasn't even a fucking wedding\| she called. how long has it been? she called. why now? she called. who does she think she is? she called. when was she planning to do this? she called. shit. as soon as i picked up the phone, she was silent for a few seconds. like as if she was trying to save a memory of me saying "hello," while no one was saying it back. then she said it... in a sad drawl, "jarrah liezel," sometimes i feel like she does that just to rub it in my face that she is my mother and i can do nothing about it. feels like she wants to prove a point, that she was the one who named me. that she was the one who was there when i was born. and my father was no where around. where was he? he did not even know i was born. did not even know i existed. till three years later. three fucking years later. "i love you," "i miss you," well she has one fucked up way of showing it. tick. tock. drip. drop. what is up with all the fakeness? STOP. START. stop hurting me. start caring. let me warn you, i can be a bitch. just. like. you. i'm a bastard. i can deal with that. just stop pretending like you care. because you are not fooling anyone. not even me. i was angry and frustrated. and they knew it. but all the anger ceased. all the frustration disappeared. when he showed up. he can put a smile on my face. that's why i love him. my dearest uncle. the one who loved me the most. but i had to lie. tell them that i was not alone. that i was okay. that my father, loves me. that my father, is right here with me. but no one needs to know the truth right? because the truth hurts. the truth does not need to exist. what they do not know should not hurt. i love them. i know i do. and they love me. i know they do. but i can't. i can't see them. it's the only way. it's better if i forget about them. but one tiny conversation... should not hurt, right? my father does not need to know. he does not need to know. he does not need to know. that i still miss them. because if he finds out, he wouldn't be happy. and no one wants, an unhappy dad. for once in my life, i want my dad to be proud i want him to say "i love you," why is it so easy for them to say it, but so hard for my dad and i to do so. how do i even know that i am talking to the right person. i know what they are capable of. i'm a liar. and aren't liars worst than sluts? thanks a lot. to think that i'm worse than a woman who flaunts herself to no end. to think that i'm worse than a woman who opens her legs for anyone. to think that i am worse, than my mother. hurts like a fucking bitch. liars are worst than sluts. thank you, very much. liar, liar. what do you desire? another lie to put on fire, or shall we go a little bit higher? another liar hanging on the wire. <3 atoning for all the lying, averyuntrustworthyjazz
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