let'sescaperealitytogether❤.

where are you?

even on the day of giving,
you can't seem to give me one thing that i want.
one thing that i have been asking you
ever since i entered this world,

your love.

i’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

but what worries me even more is how much i have destroyed
our relationship.
how much i have damaged what little there is left of us.
we may still love each other,
but nothing can go back to the way it is.

i've made mistakes just like you have,
and just like anyone else in this world
they say that it is harder to forget
than it is to forgive.

and two months ago,
when we were smiling together
and laughing at each others jokes
i would have agreed
as you had forgiven me for what i had done
and i had also forgiven you for what you had said.
and even though we would never forget the broken
vein in the heart we share,
we were still able to smile
and laugh.

but look at us now,
so far apart from each other
and i'm here all alone without my father to tell me
that he loves me.
without my father
to wish me a merry christmas.
to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that he has
forgiven me.

i, therefore disagree that it is easier to forgive
than it is to forget...

because what is there to forgive,
when you forget that you have left your daughter
all alone
on the eve of christmas
and the day of christmas itself.

it's nice knowing that you have forgotten of my existence,
the past several days of being alone has hit me hard
but i'm done.

merry christmas.

“

I shouldn’t have to apologize for this, but I’m sorry I still think about you. Maybe this is the way it has to be, maybe this is as much as I can ever get over you and everything you’ve made me thought I felt.

Remember the very last time we talked? In the midst of laughter you said that we never seem to get past this silliness, this senselessness. But that’s not true, dear friend, because there are so much we had been serious about: my dreams, your dreams, my future, your future, my life, your life. Did you forget?

Or am I allowed to be unafraid this time and contemplate the possibility of you referring to something else instead? Something intent, something important, something we never did question each other. Something like love.

I wish we hadn’t made the change; I wish it was like the old times, just you and me, instead of you and me and the meaningless need to decipher those distractions. You would never, for a moment, believe that it could be you anyway, would you?

I can’t understand why it’s so damn hard to let you out of my life, dear friend, because you were never very real. Some part of you must have been a figment of my imagination; how can two people stay so ambiguous and yet so out of love?

I despise myself for letting you do this to me, for allowing this nothingness the tenacity to crawl under my skin and steal my heart away. I could be so happy without you, so much happier without you; if I didn’t always wonder whether I would be the happiest with you.

”

this is an inspiring entry, that i feel i can relate to.

i came across this and i don't know if i was meant to find it

or if it was just an accident.

but whatever it is, i'm glad i found it.

this post belongs to xin and this person

posted this on the ninth of March over three years ago.

"if only i had an enemy bigger than my apathy, i could have won."
Profile "home is wherever i'm with you." - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros i have a habit of wandering, therefore i get lost a lot.
corny curses. / Tuesday, December 30, 2008 @ 1:27 AM another friend of mine out there needs to see this, the time may be ticking, but the point is they are waiting. there's a line outside the very heart of your door and all you need is to decide; whether your heart should still wait for that one guy or you should start and share your heart to others. i'm here for you dear and so is jarod as well as sean. we love you. always will. apologizing again. / @ 1:11 AM to a friend who knocked some sense into me today, i'm sorry for doing this to you constantly, sorry for dumping all my problems on you. that everytime you pick your phone up and see my name flashing that you'd know what to expect to hear from me. thing is, when i call you all i expect to hear are six words ; "what did you do this time?" i don't do what i do, because i think my life sucks. i don't know if you'll ever understand but i hope you can. i do what i do; we do what we do because it's the way we are i guess. it's a lifestyle we chose. and i may be a fool to chose it, but what else can i do? i sat alone on christmas eve i stayed all night watching reruns in my living room, crunching on a bag of chips. it kept me happy, but what else could a lonely girl wish for? and on the day of christmas itself, all i got was the presence of being alone. but the past few nights and days ever since have been great. sure, i miss the times i had when i was not this fucked. but some of us, can't freely chose our paths. what happens to me, happens to a lot of people out there. and i just wanted to tell someone, to have someone listen and not judge me. you know, it's so hard for me to talk to people. but i decided to call you today, because i was thinking "she would believe me. she would listen to me." i love you too, and care about you too. and i'm sorry if i've been stupid and foolish lately. but that's the way i am. if we are ever going to stay friends, we'll have to understand our differences. sad song. / Thursday, December 25, 2008 @ 8:30 PM i wake up one morning to find myself alone once again, i look around my home and notice that no one else is around. however, the hardest part is knowing that no one is coming for me. that no one is going to be joining me tonight on my dinner table and it hurts but it's something that i will have to live with. my speakers blare out a sad song of melancholy as i sit on the wooden chair and pick on the little food i have. each lyric, each word that i listen to ignites a cold flame in my lonely heart. it also forms an icy tear in my eyes. if only you're here to see the pain in me or feel the love and hope leaving my soul. i cry for an angel each sleepless night and i fear that a beautiful devil shall enter my life instead but it's too late. i still remember your smile as i have the lines and the curves embedded in my memories. i want to put your voice and words into ink on a piece of paper but i find it hard to get my hands to move. to get my mind to focus on a happy memory of us. they seemed to have vanished along with our love. all i want to do is show you the place in my heart where i have always kept you, the place where i have locked all my hope in. the place where i wish we both end up in. there's a fear that is surfacing and blocking all our love from being exposed but i do miss you. as i sit on the wooden chair, picking of what is left of my food whilst i listen to another poignant song, i think about you and the times we've had. as i stand on my own two feet, looking at the pictures displayed on my wall whilst i listen to the silent screams coming from within me, i think about the times that you weren't there for me and how each and one of those people that i have posted up on my wall, how each and one of those people in those pictures have been there for me when you weren't. i could say i miss you over and over again, but you're not here to hear the words. i could tell you how much i love you, but you're not here to deny the words. i could voice out my apologies, but you're not here to brush them off. so, here i am standing on my own two feet staring at the wooden chair where i have had my own fair share of wonders and i'm thinking, where are you? even on the day of giving, you can't seem to give me one thing that i want. one thing that i have been asking you ever since i entered this world, your love. i’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold but what worries me even more is how much i have destroyed our relationship. how much i have damaged what little there is left of us. we may still love each other, but nothing can go back to the way it is. i've made mistakes just like you have, and just like anyone else in this world they say that it is harder to forget than it is to forgive. and two months ago, when we were smiling together and laughing at each others jokes i would have agreed as you had forgiven me for what i had done and i had also forgiven you for what you had said. and even though we would never forget the broken vein in the heart we share, we were still able to smile and laugh. but look at us now, so far apart from each other and i'm here all alone without my father to tell me that he loves me. without my father to wish me a merry christmas. to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that he has forgiven me. i, therefore disagree that it is easier to forgive than it is to forget... because what is there to forgive, when you forget that you have left your daughter all alone on the eve of christmas and the day of christmas itself. it's nice knowing that you have forgotten of my existence, the past several days of being alone has hit me hard but i'm done. merry christmas. posting possibilities. / Wednesday, December 24, 2008 @ 8:23 PM “ I shouldn’t have to apologize for this, but I’m sorry I still think about you. Maybe this is the way it has to be, maybe this is as much as I can ever get over you and everything you’ve made me thought I felt. Remember the very last time we talked? In the midst of laughter you said that we never seem to get past this silliness, this senselessness. But that’s not true, dear friend, because there are so much we had been serious about: my dreams, your dreams, my future, your future, my life, your life. Did you forget? Or am I allowed to be unafraid this time and contemplate the possibility of you referring to something else instead? Something intent, something important, something we never did question each other. Something like love. I wish we hadn’t made the change; I wish it was like the old times, just you and me, instead of you and me and the meaningless need to decipher those distractions. You would never, for a moment, believe that it could be you anyway, would you? I can’t understand why it’s so damn hard to let you out of my life, dear friend, because you were never very real. Some part of you must have been a figment of my imagination; how can two people stay so ambiguous and yet so out of love? I despise myself for letting you do this to me, for allowing this nothingness the tenacity to crawl under my skin and steal my heart away. I could be so happy without you, so much happier without you; if I didn’t always wonder whether I would be the happiest with you. ” this is an inspiring entry, that i feel i can relate to. i came across this and i don't know if i was meant to find it or if it was just an accident. but whatever it is, i'm glad i found it. this post belongs to xin and this person posted this on the ninth of March over three years ago. sticky situation. / Thursday, December 18, 2008 @ 8:40 PM i have a friend, who i deeply care for and she isn't afraid to admit that she still has feelings for him. and here i am staring at my ever so clean ceiling, thinking "how about me?" do i still have feelings for him? i ask myself, does my heart beat faster when i see him? no, it doesn't. unlike my friend, i do not stare at pictures of us i do not get a tremendous sensation when i see him. i do not wish i was still with him. i do not make myself hate him i do not convince myself that i am not good enough for him. also, unlike my friend, i do not feel the same way about him. unlike her, i'm not as brave. but i want to. i miss it. i loved it. at the same time i hated him. both of us, are in the same sticky situation we are both single. she still likes him and finds it hard to get over him. i do not like him but find it hard to not get over him. can i hear anyone say, "fucked" ? the thing about my friend is that, she is gorgeous... beautiful even. boys out there want her but she strongly wants one man. and one boy only. i sometimes wonder, when she is with another guy does his face pop up? because when i am with another boy, his face flashes. does that mean i am not over him? my heart does not beat for him my face does not flush for him my eyes does not tear for him and yet... sean, what the fuck is wrong with me? / @ 7:47 PM to that darling friend of mine who is so far away, i would tell you that i am here for you, i would tell you what i want to tell you. that i love you that i care about you and that i miss you but what's the point? all you ever talk about is him and i don't mind. i love it. i love how you can talk to me about him. i love listening to you i love being your friend being a person in your life being a person who cares for you who loves you but you brush me off, it is you who brushes me off. and when i ask you "why?" all you say is that i never listen. but i do, i listen to you say the same thing twice three times four times over and over again. i never get tired of it, till now. and why? all because you tell me that i never listen. what hurts the most, is the fact that you turned to nikolai over me. i'm fine with it. i can understand it if you guys are friends, but the fact that you told me that you talk to him because i do not listen, it hurts. i do listen, and just because i say things that you do not want to hear, does not mean that you did not need to hear it. i love you, and i hope you can just realize that alex isn't the only one who cares about you. depicting desires. / @ 7:12 PM i'm here for you, just so you know. you can talk about him all night long and i will listen. i will tell you what you need to hear, when you desperately need to hear it. i will slap some sense into you, when you need the stinging sensation. a shoulder to cry on, i'm here for you. an eager ear, i'm hear for you. a lending hand to help you up, i'm here for you. i may not be an expert when it comes to relationships, seeing as how it is one of my biggest fears, may even be the biggest. but when it comes to you or anyone else i care for, i will listen and i will hold back my personal opinions so that i can help you. it's hard, but what isn't? when you need me to say "hello asshole, what can i do for you?" i sure as hell will scream it out. when you need to hear a "fuck you, you're being stupid." i will make it as blunt as i can but also, when you need to hear a "i'm here for you," or "i love you," i will say it, anytime anywhere. but we both know, who you really want to say those words to you. it's okay though right? at least, if i say it it's true. i'm here for you, always. i do love you. conversing corrosively. / Wednesday, December 17, 2008 @ 7:23 PM to a very dear friend of mine, you are thousands of miles away from me; physically and emotionally. i try to talk to you, you don't say much. what the fuck is going on? what have i done this time? is it because i was harsh to you that time? you needed to hear those words, dear. and i do care about you. it's not my fault, you chose not to see it. it's not my fault, that you chose not to listen to me. you are so far away from me, so distant. "what's wrong?" i ask you and all you say is "nothing" "how are you?" i try and urge you to speak but all you say is "alright." how am i supposed to help you, when you can't even help yourself? how am i supposed to listen to you, when you won't even say more than one word? what the fuck have i done? and who the fuck are you? boring bitch. / @ 6:23 PM boredom has a new face, and it looks like yours. i've redecorated my walls. i think i need to redecorate my life as well, including my wardrobe. seeing as how, most of it is in the trash. the things people do when they get mad. making monsters. / Monday, December 15, 2008 @ 7:05 PM The [After] Life of the Party we pulled it off, yet again. one heck of a night one heck of a morning two noise complaints. what more could we do to make the night wilder? a lot more, and we did. oh how we did. sarah sucks. / Friday, December 5, 2008 @ 9:12 PM sarah sucks, but not in that way. as in in THAT way. the sexual way, the way that makes me moan the way that it pleasures me... hint hint You have been cordially invited, to a party you will never forget. A time and place where there are no rules and guidance. a time when you can be alone with that ONE GIRL you want [yes sarah i am talking to you] and do ANYTHING you want to [sarah, im yourssssssss] SHOTGUN ONE BED [there is a double meaning to shotgun] dedicated to the stalker who wrote on my chatbox <3
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